8 Ways to Make a Day Trip to Anchorage from Homer for Wedding Garb Effective and Fun!

1.  Choose an adaptable, flexible, smiley, goofy yet intelligent companion for this journey as you will be starting early, ending late and needing stimulating conversation.  The companion you choose should not be the type who keeps reminding you that you've known about this wedding for over six months and that this trip could be considered poor planning on your part.

  2.  Ask that friend to drive her new shiny high gas mileage car.  This way, as you drive well over the speed limit for those hundreds of miles to Anchorage, your bones will not be vibrated the point where your teeth are shook loose from your gums.

3.  When you get to Anchorage refuse to shop on an empty stomach.  Eat gorgeous foods that satisfy more than your hunger.  The time you spend waiting for this meal, consider what is truly important to shop for:  dresses for Bridezilla, dresses for wedding, disposable razors, school supplies, ect.  If the foods can not be gorgeous, they should be served by gorgeous people. 

4.  Use your mobile device to monitor your time in stores.  Agree on the amount of time you will spend in each store and set the alarm.  Set it for loud.  Stay focused on what you came into the store for in the first place.  Do not be distracted by all the things that shopping psychologists tell marketing specialists to place all over the stores.  When the alarm goes off move swiftly to the check out lane.  Tell your friend to get off her cell phone because it is time to go! 

5.  Once you are in line do not feel like you are in the 'line prison'.  The cart you have just filled can wait in line for you while you continue to shop.  There is an art to considering the amount of time you can shop while your cart holds your place in line.  For instance, if you are in a box store behind an Oxy addicted new mother who is bouncing checks, you will have time to visit the pharmacy and find and attendant who you can ask for jumbo sized hand sanitizer and return to the cart. 

5.  Dream big.  Can't you imagine us in perfect Bridezilla matching upholstery dresses for the Bridezilla shower?  When your dream dresses don't come in your currant dress size (that would be size V for voluptuous), don't let that stop you from continuing to shop.  Also, bring your amusement to the rest of the store.  Draw fellow shoppers into your shenanigans by having them help with picture taking.  You will also find that they can be very helpful with giving honest opinions about the different states of style you are going for.

6.  Don't take it personally when the clerks scold you for bringing too many delightful outfits into the dressing room.  Embrace the reality that of the five stalls that are full of customers trying on way more than three items, you are by far the hottest and that the clerks are jealous.  Of course they would pick you to scold!  The clerks are bitter, miserable, jealous people who can not help trying to bring you to their miserable level.  Do your best to  notice that one stall is filled with a daily customer who is BFF's with the clerk.  Remember that the other three stalls are taken up by one family who has flown in from a village near Bethel and have not seen themselves in the mirror in over six months.  Of course it will take them an hour to try on those three long skirts!  The clerks know better than to scold them as they are in a trance at the sight of themselves, like birds in a cage, or Cinderella before the ball.

7.  Take a moment after the scolding to reestablish your greatness.  Sort through your treasures and then find a dark corner of the store to try on your finds without being the object of someone else's warranted jealousy.

8.  Drive home in the knowledge that the day has been unbelievably successful and that no one at the Bridezilla party (who is over 40) will be as smoking hot as the two of you!